20 4 / 2014

And other thoughts..

The process of looking for a home has been the cause of many difficult-to-fall-asleep nights. I don’t think it’s stress but more so the feeling of anxiousness, will-this-be-THE-home feelings, and excitement that surrounds it. I get so ahead of myself when I think I’ve found the one and I become way too worked up every single time even before we check out the home in person.

We have yet to put down any offers. We’re picky. We know our expectations are high. We’re trying to not only fulfill our wants for the present but for the future as well. And frankly, it’s been tough to meet all standards and has led to many back-and-forth’s. But that’s so normal, right?

But in this insomnia-filled night, I realized there’s been one aspect we’re forgetting to always ask ourselves. Are we happy? For sure we should all ask ourselves this question with any important decision-making-aspect of our lives. Am I happy being with him? Am I happy with my current job? Am I happy with my current lifestyle? Will this home make me happy?

And with that alone, I feel I am able to make faster, reasonable decisions, I hope.

But Brandywine, oh you warm, inviting, pretty tones of yellow and gray (and beautifully within our budget), you will always have a piece of my heart.

Asking myself if I’m happy led me to think…

On things that are currently giving me the happy feels:

Realizing there are still career-related goals I can achieve post finding a stable job (my patients meeting one of the highest percentage of patients within therapeutic range in my region and in California!)

The boyfriend and the way we’ve discussed, debate, argue, plan (especially and even exclusively perhaps about homes) and how that helped me learn about him, me, and us. “Making-it-work,” seems to be a recurring theme in our relationship, and in many others too I’m sure. And I adore that with each home that requires quite a commute, we seem to worry more about the other person’s commute than ourselves. Cheesy of us, I know.

AND I managed to give the boyfriend a decent haircut without totally botching it! Win! Maybe I can add men hair stylist in my resume after-all.. Eh? Eh? :)

p.s. I never thought I would be in this phase of life, this looking for home phase. I remember telling myself I’d simply marry a guy who’s already bought a home. Interesting when you can clearly point a finger at your past self and say “Hah! You thought you had it all figured but boy you are so wrong!” I wonder what similar things my future self are saying to me at this point of life now…like “Hah! And you thought you’d never go bald!” Oh boy… Did I just open a can of warms?

10 4 / 2014

Laying in a field of poppies mid-day while the sun shines ever so brightly above you is truly something else.

Laying in a field of poppies mid-day while the sun shines ever so brightly above you is truly something else.

29 3 / 2014

Communicate, conclude, move forward.

Done and done.

29 3 / 2014

And this is my beautiful Ella.

And this is my beautiful Ella.

29 3 / 2014

On the boyfriend: sometimes I just want to quit being the teacher and wish he’d grow out of being such a student.

"Book smart" vs. "Street smart". Why can’t they come in both??

Is it me? Have I made myself too independent and authoritative? I’ve never wanted the pants in the relationship, but maybe he kinda shifted them my way?

I think he needs more independence. To learn for himself. My guess is that’s not going to happen, not on his own. He’s such a kid still. But maybe that’s most guys, you know how it is with slower maturity rate.

Debating about holding off on house buying process. It all happened very fast. Maybe we need to work on solidifying our relationship first. Maybe focus on us until we feel truly ready to take that next step. Puppies can wait. But kittens will have to do for the time being.

So that begs me to ask, how do you know when your relationship is solid? Even then, shit can happen and minds can certainly change. Marriages ends in divorces, engagements broken off, separation occurs, promises taken back, life happens.all.the.time.

So a talk with the boyfriend is clearly needed…

29 3 / 2014

On people that matters to you: when the line has crossed from who you think they were to who they really are— what happens next? What fork in the road led you down such a deceived path? Where did you go wrong? Or better (or is worst?) yet, how could they be so wrong?

Maybe the foundation was never solid to begin with.

Maybe what happens next is nothing. Fear of losing a long history will likely outweighs courage to set yourself astray. Complicating the commoners is all very messy, making it difficult to hang out with mutual friends.

Maybe what happens next is you try to fix it. You talk about it. Come to a mutual understanding of one another.

So now let’s say you understand them. You get it. They like to be passive aggressive. They like to pass judgements on you and the rest of everyone else. They tend to not keep secrets.

The question is, do you accept them?

Question comes across silly when the cliche thing to say is “hell no, quality over quantity please,” doesn’t it?

28 3 / 2014

15 3 / 2014

Confession: I’ve only learned 1/4th of a very simple song on the ukulele.
My fantasy of some day jamming “Over The Rainbow” is slowly seizing to exist.

12 3 / 2014

Binged on YouTube today watching videos, but really started with just listening to oldies like Monica and Niki Flores and Paula Deanda (she’s on the voice, I know!) and then it led to watching dance videos of me and my sisters for when we performed for Temple. I contemplated whether it was the experience and memory that I missed or if I was really envious of how simple, innocent (and dare I say “fun”?) life was. To say all that is to compare that my life currently doesn’t have any of that, which may not be completely accurate. True that innocence have been long gone. Simplicity as well have now been replaced with mounds of responsibilities and expectations (and it will only grown upwards from here on out). Fun? The fun is there, occasionally, but it kinda seems harder to come by (reads, work is not fun and because work makes up 5 days of the week means no time for fun :/ ).

Ah… The joy of adulthood. I vividly remember wishing I was older at every moment of my youth. And now that I’m here… I must say I wish I enjoyed my youth a bit more (hung out with friends a little later, have those bon fires, go skinny dipping, ok maybe not skinny dipping but swimming at night in the ocean with clothes on, or spoke my mind more, or whatever it was I wanted to do but didn’t).

I wonder if I’ll feel the same in another 27 years at the age of 54 wishing I was 27 again and stating the same, in that I should’ve enjoyed my 20’s more. We’re always doing that, aren’t we? In that cycle of shoulda, coulda, woulda (?).

Maybe it’s human nature to always want to do anything and everything all at the same time in different places with different people. Or maybe it’s just me, constantly second guessing if the state I am in now and the experiences I have, the accomplishments I’ve achieved are the ones I am most happy with.

If there is another alternate universe me out there and let’s say my dreams are the windows to that other life, then I shouldn’t complain much should I? Especially because in last night’s dream I really (almost) got myself a kitty. Whether that’s how dreams work, who knows what to believe.

I’ll just let it be known that I’m aware the consistency of wanting to do more and be more leaves me a bit empty and unfulfilled, always.

05 3 / 2014

In search of extra kisses, extra hugs, and extra everything lovely…

It’s been one of them days, need I say more?